Afraid to Do by Mary Jaksch
The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Emerson says: “Always do what you are afraid to do.” What is ‘too scary’ to write about? Try doing it now.
(Author: Mary Jaksch)
Every day the sadness walks next to me in place of you. Where you used to hold my hand, it’s there. Where you used to pour coffee in the morning, it’s there. Where you used to dance to reggae on summer evenings, it’s there.
It is bigger than I thought possible. It is what you think of when you imagine Mt. Everest, knowing it’s the biggest mountain in the world, and then what it feels like when you actually see it in person, not in a picture. Not from far away.
You warned me not to let the sadness consume me. That was your fear for me, and that is what I fear too. So I try to chop it up into pieces, rather than take it all in one big bite. I consume my sorrow a little bit at a time, one day at a time. A sip first thing in the morning when the day breaks. A taste at the end of the work day. A midnight snack before bed.
I try to cut it down to size this way so it’s manageable. I try to carve out a set space for it each day, so I do not drown in it. What I cannot finish, what I cannot bear today will be there tomorrow. Perhaps it will be more bearable then.
I hope you will find that there is too much of you for you to ever be truly consumed by anything bad. What's left at the end of this trial (no matter how long it takes to burn off this pain) is going to be very strong and pure.
Thinking of you often with much love.
Posted by: Kim | July 10, 2011 at 09:45 PM
@Kim--Thanks so much! You don't know how much your words mean. They help me find the fuel to keep moving towards the finish line ... wherever it may be.
Posted by: Noel | July 11, 2011 at 08:39 AM
Noel, I find it deeply heartening and encouraging that you are letting yourself go with the change. I think you would really enjoy A Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion, if you have not already read it. Though Didian's story is one of grief because of death, you will find that she employs similar mechanisms to you: chewing pain one bite off at the time, remembering and reminiscing, allowing herself to cry and to miss. I highly recommend it.
And, like Kim -- with whom I agree entirely on all such matters, as is evidenced by her comments and mine -- I know that you will come out of this side of this brighter, fuller, and whole.
Posted by: Roxanne | July 11, 2011 at 11:10 AM
You are incredibly brave.
Posted by: Abigail | July 11, 2011 at 01:55 PM
Thinking of you and your pain knowing that it will take time as you chew each bite. I know the only way is through it to reach a new path on your journey. Lean on all who care about you for you are not alone.
Posted by: dragonfly | July 12, 2011 at 08:06 PM
God I wish I could help you carry this burden.
Posted by: Kristina | July 13, 2011 at 02:16 PM
@Roxanne--Thanks for the thoughts and the rec! I am definitely going to check that out.
@Abigail--Not every day. But once in awhile. I'm trying. ;)
@Dragonfly--Great advice!
@Kristina--You do, every day! :)
Posted by: Noel | July 15, 2011 at 12:55 PM