First there were three little sprinkles of water. One for the Father, one for the Son, and one for the Holy Ghost. And then there was the oil, but not too much of that either. Oil in the shape of the cross on my forehead. Oil after the water, which lead me to inappropriate thoughts about adding a few herbs and making salad dressing. Then there was the lighting of a candle, for me, in honor of my new name, in honor of this new thing I was becoming.
All around us the lilies, hundreds of them, held up their petals like trumpets. And I looked out onto the sea of faces while Aaron’s hand was on my shoulder. And I realized I was still me, but with a piece added. A piece that had been growing inside for the past nine months like a newborn, just waiting for the Easter Vigil to come into the world.
To be honest, I wasn’t always sure of this thing, this new identity that I would bind to myself with water and oil. Over the past nine months I had circled it from the edge of the campfire, watching and waiting. Liking the parts that made me feel warm and comforted and loved. Not liking the parts that seemed to be born of a sharper flame, that appeared to burn those who would step out of boundaries defined by different people in a different time.
I watched and I waited. And eventually I came to see how these things could exist in the same place and, at times, be in conflict with each other. And how could it not be, when faith comes to us from God, but religion is something built by humans, who we all know to be far from perfect. And so I learned to draw closer to the parts of the fire that warmed me, I learned to find the paths that led me there. And I came to see how it could shine light on the gray places, the fuzzy edges of our human existence where opposites can eclipse one another and things don’t seem to make sense. Like in the moment when darkness turns over to morning. Like when insurmountable suffering leads to joy. Like when the destruction of one thing leads immediately to the creation of another.
Before I took on this new name, I had only glimpsed these places and moments, and I didn’t understand them. But now I know how to find them. I know how to tune in. And in taking this new name, it’s my way of saying: I’m here. And I’m listening. And I’m trying.
What a wonderful journey you have been on for the last 9 months. Embracing and opening to the mystery of the spiritual self. Finding a faith to enrich and enhance your soul leading to a celebration on Easter eve. rejoice.
Posted by: mandich.christine@att.net | April 24, 2011 at 07:12 PM
I am so happy for you. Really, soul-deep happy for you. If I say anything more, I know I'd just repeat myself. Congratulations, love.
Posted by: Kim | April 24, 2011 at 09:07 PM
@Dragonfly--thanks! The Easter Vigil was really beautiful.
@Kim--Thanks so much! :)
Posted by: Noel | April 25, 2011 at 08:42 AM
I'm so happy for you. Congratulations. What a wonderful way to find balance between the perfect and the imperfect.
Posted by: Shannon | April 25, 2011 at 09:51 AM
May God bless you...and keep you! I'm curious as to what all has been germinating in your life. So glad you felt so much peace in the Easter season.
Posted by: Abigail | April 25, 2011 at 11:21 AM
@Shannon--Thanks! I hope you know how much your post on religion/going back to church helped me during my process!
@Abigail--thanks! The secret is out! LOL :)
Posted by: Noel | April 25, 2011 at 02:16 PM
YAY! :)
Posted by: Babs | April 26, 2011 at 09:18 AM
Congratulations!!!!
Posted by: Paula | May 01, 2011 at 10:23 AM
@Babs & @Paula--thanks! :)
Posted by: Noel | May 01, 2011 at 05:32 PM